So I met a girl. She seems cool but, she is unavailable since she just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years recently. My friends just want me to have a significant other. They want me to not be single which is fine. I want to be with someone but not just any girl. I want to be with a girl that I enjoy spending time with. I want to be with someone who also wants to be with me not just with someone. Now I am not usually someone who puts them out there or even asks for a girls number. For me trying to get a date is just not fun most of the time but, when I meet that girl and know that we could have a good night out my emotional state just rises. That is until I ask and she says no. That is just the biggest downer that I have ever felt. I have my ups and downs just like everyone else but that just puts me at level no matter how the rest of my world is going. Really all it comes down to is timing. I turned women down because I didn’t think my life was ready to deal with it. Timing and denial. Denying what my heart has been saying instead of listening to it. It will all work out in the end I am sure.
Talk to you next time.
So for the past few weeks I have been texting and chatting with this girl I met a few times before I left on vacation but, we couldn’t seem to find a time to meet up. Well I left on vacation for 2 weeks and we chatted all the time. It was something nice to look forward to in the morning and at gas stops while I was out and about exploring our wonderful national forests and parks. Well I got home early and ask her to go to a friends wedding with me. That was a mistake and I guess a blessing. I went to pick her up and a mutual friends house and there was just no spark. She is very pretty but, just no other connection even after chatting for that long. Well, she ends up meeting another mutual friend and they seemed to hit it off so while I was disappointed in that it didn’t work out I am happy and hoping it does work out for them. It is however weird that I am now on the outside of the conversations I see happening on Facebook but, am not really a part of them. I know the joke and the punch line but, I am no longer in the know. It’s hard to be a part of that but, not be a part of it. So now my mind keeps wondering off to the side while I am at work. Knowing I it wasn’t going to work but, miss the daily interaction with her. Oh well, time to move on and look for the right one. I wish it was always that easy for me. I get attached to these interactions more than I get attached to the people on the other end of the conversation. On top of that I am hating work right now. Resume is almost complete. Time to start looking for the next chapter in my life. Maybe it will lead somewhere or to someone.
Fuck! I can’t get out of my own head. It has been driving me nuts. I keep thinking back to the girl. She is in my head. Not even what she ever said just the visions of her bouncing in and out of my mind. They just make me miss her even more. Damn I hate feeling this way. She broke down my walls and now I don’t have the mental energy to put them back up. I just wish there was a chance but, I know it is long gone. She doesn’t want to talk to me. Doesn’t respond. I am probably the last thing on her mind. It hurts just a little more than I want to deal with. I need to look for the next one without settling. I just want that damn connection back. I miss it. I would rather I could plug it by myself but, that doesn’t seem possible. Fuck this post is going in circles. I need to break the cycle. I need more distractions for my mind. done until I can figure this out. Riding is the only time I am not thinking about her.
So looking at the last date since I wrote I apparently never saved my rant from this year. Well, lately I have been let’s go with stressed. I have snapped at everyone around me including my boss. I can’t control my anger lately. Instead of my normal flight response my fight response kicks in and drops large doses of adrenaline in to my system and I just want to fucking scream and punch the nearest person to me. Not sure why but, it just is that way. In the past few days I think it has come full circle. I am pissed that I am lonely and that I just don’t want to be that way any more. I want that someone special next to me or to me and be there when I get home at night. I want that person who is happy with me just being there. I want that person that makes me want to better myself or that just makes me a better person by being in my life. I thought I met that person last year. She made me want to be the best person that I could be or at least the person I imagine myself being. She was that rock/will power/entity that made believe in myself. I know if some people read this that they would say you could be that person without anyone else. I think it’s possible that I could be but, it takes me and exponential amount more control and effort when that person is not around. For a long time, I lived my life believing that that person did not exist for me. I had shut down and closed off the doors to my world to keep myself from not having to deal with those emotions. I kept myself closed off for so long that it seemed normal. I was seemingly happy back then. I liked that world for me. I liked not having to worry about the thoughts and lives of others. That all changed that year. That girl broke down the majority of my walls in months. If I reflect and remember that first day. Even though I barely remember the conversation we had. I remember my walls just falling down. They weren’t smashed. They weren’t even forced down. I didn’t even realized it was happening. They were just gone. In an instant they vanished. Something I built and strengthened for year and years. Just vanished. I tried to hide it. I don’t even think she knows or realizes how much she altered my life. I pretended and acted the part of a cold hearted SOB. People called me an asshole and I accepted was even proud of that fact. I now know it wasn’t really me or what I wanted. I wanted/want the 2.3 children. I want that wife that will be there when I get home. I wonder now how to make that happen. How do I find that person that will make my life complete? Yea there have been women that have come close or maybe have done it without me knowing. There have been a few that easily break down those walls. Those women the women that make me want to give them everything I have. To push myself to give them everything they have ever wanted. To be that person that I would release my inner demons and strenth to protect that person with every ounce of my being. There are those that I enjoy being with and that are fun to be around but, they aren’t the one. I know what it feels like. I know the attraction, the inability to stop thinking about that person and the insanity that follows. Without that crazy feeling I get the others just don’t compare. They are like … They are that thing that you just know is right. The other have of your heart soul mind body thought. They are what makes you want to live life again. To live it like you always should have been. They way that that person can remove the restraints from your mind and emotions that you have never truly felt before. This agonizing world that exists when that person is not around just plain sucks. Yes I will make it through this but, it is really just the mundane life that i am living these days. I keep hoping for the next one that does all of the above to walk through my life again. The balls to make sure I don’t let that one slip through again. To take that chance then next time I feel that nervousness again. To power through my nay saying mind and just leap forward. I hate sappy quotes but, this one has stuck with me since I heard it. “I like it when you talk. You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” Sometimes this jumps in to my head at the weirdest times. I know those times are when I should have that 20 seconds. Well, I am off. These are thoughts and hopes upper most in my mind. Good night!
So since the girl left my world is been in disarray again. I used to think that I was just a averagely happy most of the time. I am not. I am not really happy at all. I enjoy my life and the adventures that I have been able to pull off. These keep me in my average state of being. The people that cross my life make it worth living and enjoying. My family and friends are great. The keep be above the the happiness level that some people strive to be at. Once I am alone and living in my reality it changes. I am not that happy person. I am not the fun loving uncle that I should be. My niece and nephew do light up my life. They make me laugh and dream about the days of care free living. They make me realize that there is more to life than whatever I can imagine because they have gone past that level with their own minds. They believe in the good of everything. They want and need to know that the world is with them and will not get in their way. They don’t know what’s it’s like to struggle through the day. They will probably never know the feeling of wanting something with out it being handed to them. Which is great but, it’s a sidetrack of where my world actually is these days.
The girl I thought was possibly the one had left. She never turned on international calling. She hasn’t tried to contact me. She really didn’t even respond to my texts before she left. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t get a chance to clear up our status before she left. She always kept it casual and kept her distance. I look back now and realize she knew it was coming but, she didn’t exactly know when. She might come back for Christmas or maybe she won’t. Not sure but, I know she hasn’t reached out to me since she left. If I don’t her from her by Christmas then I am not sure this will ever work out. The world is a crazy place and timing is everything. I might hit the first point in the timeline but, it seems like the next point on the line is away and deflected from the point I think it should of made.
That is all. My world and my heart is in a world of uproar. It causes my mind to drift and wonder through the darkest folds and stories that I have heard. The work mind mind to the the fullest without taking me over the edge. The words and books that are trapped in my mind are the craziest of them all but, when I can hold my mind and keep it in check the best things come flying out of my mouth.
Well, not even sure what I last wrote but, girl is off to Mexico for 6 months. She has basically ignored me for the last week. Actually probably the entire time.It’s like she doesn’t think about me until we are together. Then everything is great for the 3-5 hours. Then back to your pretty much the last thing I think about in the morning. She is pretty much on my mind. She basically responds to me last or not at all. I think it’s because she is afraid of answering what she actually thinks but, that is what I am looking for. I guess it really doesn’t matter any more. This is the end. It might work when she gets back but, I guess that is for the future to decide. My focus needs to be about the now. To much thinking about the past in my life. Time to keep moving forward.
So it’s has been almost 4 months since I have met this girl. Sh is now leaving for Mexico for 6 months in 2 weeks. I keep getting this odd feeling like something is not right. Like maybe she is dating someone else at the current moment. I don’t know why I have this feeling but, for a lack of a better phrase my spidey senses are tingling. Little things here any there and the lack of being sort of committed to plans I have asked her about multiple times. I could just be making shit up in my head but, my head while slightly crazy has generally led me in the right direction. Outside of those thoughts I think things have been going pretty good. She has met a few more of my friends and they like her. The weird thing is that anything with my family she always seems to have something going or can’t make it for one reason or another. This is part of my spidey sense going off. Then when asked this week what she had going she said “random things nothing big, you?” However, she has the Bulls game tonight. I wouldn’t say that is really random. I would say that is pretty much set in stone since she has season tickets. Then I asked her about going to the MS Soiree again. Probably the 10th time. She says she will have my answer at 8pm today. Which is weird since it is an hour in to the Bulls game. This makes me wonder who she is taking to the Bulls game tonight. So, if she is going with a guy is she trying to make a decision between us and their date will help make that decision tonight. FUCK. My mind is all twisted up inside now. I just want to know wtf is going on. I wish I could pull these thoughts out of my mind but, that were with me since I left her last night after our date. Alright mind is still fucked after all this writing. I was hoping that it would remove them or at least make me feel a little better but, only more information will tell me what I need to know. Half of me says stalk her. The other half says fuck it and wait it out. Why won’t my mind shut up. Anyways that’s were everything stands right now.