One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do

So looking at the last date since I wrote I apparently never saved my rant from this year.  Well,  lately I have been let’s go with stressed.  I have snapped at everyone around me including my boss.  I can’t control my anger lately.  Instead of my normal flight response my fight response kicks in and drops large doses of adrenaline in to my system and I just want to fucking scream and punch the nearest person to me.  Not sure why but, it just is that way.  In the past few days I think it has come full circle.  I am pissed that I am lonely and that I just don’t want to be that way any more.  I want that someone special next to me or to me and be there when I get home at night.  I want that person who is happy with me just being there.  I want that person that makes me want to better myself or that just makes me a better person by being in my life.  I thought I met that person last year.  She made me want to be the best person that I could be or at least the person I imagine myself being.  She was that rock/will power/entity that made believe in myself.  I know if some people read this that they would say you could be that person without anyone else.  I think it’s possible that I could be but, it takes me and exponential amount more control and effort when that person is not around.  For a long time, I lived my life believing that that person did not exist for me.  I had shut down and closed off the doors to my world to keep myself from not having to deal with those emotions.  I kept myself closed off for so long that it seemed normal.  I was seemingly happy back then.  I liked that world for me.  I liked not having to worry about the thoughts and lives of others.  That all changed that year.  That girl broke down the majority of my walls in months.  If I reflect and remember that first day.  Even though I barely remember the conversation we had.  I remember my walls just falling down.  They weren’t smashed.  They weren’t even forced down.  I didn’t even realized it was happening.  They were just gone.  In an instant they vanished.  Something I built and strengthened for year and years.  Just vanished.  I tried to hide it.  I don’t even think she knows or realizes how much she altered my life.  I pretended and acted the part of a cold hearted SOB.  People called me an asshole and I accepted was even proud of that fact.  I now know it wasn’t really me or what I wanted.  I wanted/want the 2.3 children.  I want that wife that will be there when I get home.  I wonder now how to make that happen.  How do I find that person that will make my life complete? Yea there have been women that have come close or maybe have done it without me knowing.  There have been a few that easily break down those walls.  Those women the women that make me want to give them everything I have.  To push myself to give them everything they have ever wanted.  To be that person that I would release my inner demons and strenth to protect that person with every ounce of my being.  There are those that I enjoy being with and that are fun to be around but, they aren’t the one.  I know what it feels like.  I know the attraction, the inability to stop thinking about that person and the insanity that follows.  Without that crazy feeling I get the others just don’t compare.  They are like …  They are that thing that you just know is right.  The other have of your heart soul mind body thought.  They are what makes you want to live life again.  To live it like you always should have been.  They way that that person can remove the restraints from your mind and emotions that you have never truly felt before.  This agonizing world that exists when that person is not around just plain sucks.  Yes I will make it through this but, it is really just the mundane life that i am living these days.  I keep hoping for the next one that does all of the above to walk through my life again.  The balls to make sure I don’t let that one slip through again.   To take that chance then next time I feel that nervousness again.  To power through my nay saying mind and just leap forward.  I hate sappy quotes but, this one has stuck with me since I heard it. “I like it when you talk. You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”  Sometimes this jumps in to my head at the weirdest times.  I know those times are when I should have that 20 seconds.  Well, I am off.  These are thoughts and hopes upper most in my mind.  Good night!


About batmaninhiding

I am just a regular person with random things to chat about.
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