So it has been a little over a month since I met her. I think she is great. My friend calls it infatuation. He is right but, there is also more to it than that. Is she perfect nope but, she is pretty amazing. I want to spend more time with but, our schedules are a little bit busy right now. I have filled my weekends and weeks with things to do. I sort of want to change them to be with her but, I am not in to changing my plans to suit other people. This is probably because I have never had to merge any part of my life with someone other than family in a long time. I would if she asked but, she won’t. She will wait for me to make the change. Some of me wants to do it right away but, the other part of me says slow your roll and let things slowly play out. She going on a 3 week vacation in about a month. So no contact and no anything for most of the month of October. Well, anyways she lights up my world. I feel walls that were put up coming down every time I am with her. My heart feels lighter every day. I can’t wait to see her again.
I might of been a little angered while writing that last post. So last night we had our second date. It went well. Went to Coopers Hawk in Naperville and 3.25 hours later we were walking out the door. Not sure what it is but, we seemed to be able to talk about nothing and everything all at the same time. I have only ever had this happen a few times in my life. It sets my heart at ease and makes things simple. No hiding behind my sarcasm and conversation changes. She is amazing at this point. I know it has only been a couple dates but, something about her just makes everything seem in harmony. I am not sure the last time I sat around with someone and just talked. For the past let’s say 10-12 years my life has been about drinking and getting fucked up, multiple one night stands, and just not caring about most things. This is the first time in all those years that I think I could just stop all of those things with ease as long as she was by my side. Sometimes you don’t know what you are missing until you have found it. She might be it.
Well, it’s been a week since that date. Tried setting up another one and I am not getting any more responses from her. I have a feeling this is the end of that line. Damn though my happier lovey emotions haven’t showed themselves in years. I forgot what those are like. I liked them. I kind of didn’t really notice they were missing for a long time. Damn what one good date can do to you. My fucking phone vibrates and I hope it’s her messaging me. I am like a love sick freak and I only had one date with her. I guess my heart really does want this and I have been pushing it further down in to the sub-conkles of my heart. Suppressing this must be taking some kind of toll on my mental and emotional well being. I have now sent her 3 text messages with no response. So, either she doesn’t want to talk with me, her phone is dead, or she is dead. I am going with the first one but, hoping for the second one not for the third. Now I guess my search must continue. I need to push myself or I will be back in my own little world again. Later peeps.
August 9th Meet at the Sox game
August 21 First Date at Sullivans
So those are dates that I hope to have to remember for awhile. So I met this girl Ambar at the Sox game the same day of the funeral of my friend. I look at this as a sign that life needs to move on. Good things can happen even while bad things are happening around you. Well, let me tell you a little about her. She is about 27. Has brown hair and brown eyes. I think she is about 5’7″ but, not sure since she was wearing 3-4 inch heels on our first date. I think this girl is awesome by the way. We spent 3 hours talking during dinner and I didn’t even realize how much time passed. I hope she feels the same or at least close to it. She speaks 4 languages. I can barely speak English. She does this slightly cute thing were when talking she switches her accent when she speaks about places she has visited and knows how a native would pronounce them. It also makes it very hard for me to understand sometimes. Is loud restaurants and public places with loud background noise I basically go deaf and most have to read lips to make sure I don’t miss anything. So when she is talking and switches basically to a different voice it is hard to always catch what she said. She just seems like an amazing person who could really push me to be the better version of myself. Probably the one I know is there but, don’t seem to be able to push myself to become. I have spent 2 evenings with her and I already feel different about my lifes outlook. I hope a few months from now I will be able to write more about this girl but, right now I am just smitten. Oh and the one thing that bothers me is response time on texts. Now I don’t need to have immediate response times. It’s nice but, not necessary. I am just used to instant messages and constant feedback that I think this is really just my dependency on technology. Well this is not even all this message since my computer messed up. Either way it ended something like this. I hope that in a month from now that I will be writing another blog about her. I hope that she will become my girlfriend.
Well, last week we had to bury a friend. It sucked more so than any other funeral I have attended outside my brother’s friend Becky. Now I can’t say that her and I got along great or that we were best friends because we weren’t. We made out on the back swing of her parents house one night but, that was about it. She tested the waters a few times over the years but, I knew that it would just not work out. While hearing everyone tell stories about her and how she was this amazing person I never saw it. We were always, well maybe me more than her, antagonizing each other. I really knew nothing about her except what I heard from her sister who is one of my good friends and for awhile was one of my best friends. Most of what I heard from her were the negative sides of her character or mindset or something along those lines. So every time I talked with her or heard her version of the story I was always tainted in thinking that it was the other way around. Now I am sure she had her down sides and her up sides but, I never saw the ups. I was always thinking of her negative side. Then all of these people who actually knew her and were around her all the time were telling the good side of her. It makes me believe I never actually knew the person. A friend of mine who I was out having a couple drinks with after the wake had a outlook on wakes that I never even considered before and will not try to adopt this from now on. Hopefully there won’t be many of them the next few years. He says you have to look at all the pictures and listen to all of the stories and the positive impact this person had in life and remember them that way. Even if you didn’t know the person you can look at all the smiling photos and know that this person touched some peoples life in a positive way.
Now this brings me to some thoughts about my own funeral. For the entire world to read and mostly for the one reader who I know will show this to the right people when my time has come. I do not under any circumstances want to be buried in the ground. I want a simple wake and then burn my ass and take my ashes to the mountains. Take them to the most beautiful places in the world and put parts of me all over the world if possible. If I only get to choose one place it would be the top of Vail mountain or Jackson Hole. By no means should this be a sad event. As of now at 35 I have lived my life. I have had fun in many places people wish they could see. I have done things that people only see on the Discovery channel. I know I am not the only one but, it is a small percentage of the world that has done any of these. You should sit around and tell every funny ridiculous thing I have ever said or done that you can think of. Don’t hold back. People should hear this crap. Most have probably heard some of the stories and were also probably there when it happened. Cry if you must but, they should be tears of joy and laughter. Okay a few sad ones but, only because you know that we won’t be making new memories. Get a few kegs and some nice green and push yourselves to the limits but, try not to join me that soon. I want my death to be a celebration. Don’t mourn me. I probably died doing something I enjoyed.
Not sure why my mind has been traveling here again. Probably some latent genetic code that keeps telling me to find that one again. I keep going back to the what if and what might of beens lately. I keep trying to go forward but, then keep coming back to here. It’s starting to take it’s toll on me again. Min mind i getting all twisted up inside again. I want to find that person that makes me feel happy and content with living my life. I generally do like the way my life has turned out so far but, I keep thinking that there is more that i am supposed to be doing or going to do. I want to travel I want to see the world but, I want that person to want to do those things also. Every woman I meet seems to not like me the way I like them. Every woman that seems to like me for no reason at all I don’t seem to be attracted to for one reason or another. I have a problem with not liking girls I am not immediately physically attracted to. There seems to be something in the back of my mind that tells me you can do better than that. But, nothing seems to be doming along. How do you reevaluate that part of your mind that directs you on to a different path before you have a chance to actually get to know the person. Could I be afraid to fall for a woman that I am not attracted to at first and learn to love someone again. I have felt that feeling of just knowing she was right before. I haven’t felt it in a long time though… Does my mine and body still know what it is? Can I figure it out before it’s to late to do anything about it? That old doubt just keeps popping up in my mind. I used to use drugs to bury deep inside and not worry about it but, I have been pretty much sober for the better part of this year. I wish I knew what to do. How to do it and just simplify this portion of my life like I have the rest of it to the best of my abilities. What is really holding me back? What fear do I have that I can’t seem to overcome. I need to figure this out and conquer my world. I think I need that other person to really make life what it I want it to be. Well thanks for reading. I feel like I might be back to writing now until I can work things out on the screen again. Same issues same inability to find a solution. Maybe it’s time to find some to talk to.
So this girl from last year that wanted to start texting me again has turned back in to her old self again. I guess she just wanted some attention from someone and that happened to be me again. If I don’t get some answers before I get on the plane Friday I am moving on again. Nothing in front of me but my own choices and who knows where they will take me next. The clock for this has started. One the right one will come along. I have to keep telling myself that.