So I listen to music pretty much all day at work well this song comes on and it always takes me back to when I sometimes think I should of sucked up my pride. The beginning of the song goes like this.
It’s hard to find the perfect time to say something
You know is gonna change everything.
I think about this particular time more than one person should think about something that is not really part of your world anymore and the fact that it was about 10 years ago. Well, it makes me want to make myself do more stuff but, I am always scared that it might flip my world upside down completely. This could be the thing that I am looking for or it could be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I always give the advice that you should always do it and worry about it later but, I don’t live by my own advice. It is easy to give it but, damn hard to follow it. I play the what if with my life about a billion times during that one song that lasts about 3 minutes. I only have a few of these moments in my life that I truely wonder what if I would just stopped and did what I was thinking. I didn’t think once and grabbed this girls ass back in high school and it was a nice ass and then she got pissed and I don’t think I ever said another word to her the rest of high school. This is probably one of things that that has kept me from moving forward with many of the girls that I liked. I am a very cautious person when it comes to dating girls. That rejection is fucking the hardest thing to take and breaks me down when it happens.
One other thing I would like to talk about the girl I dated in high school and college. She fucked my mind over but, was also the cause of me pulling my head out of my ass. She was my first love. She knew everything about me and I knew her almost as well I think. We had the greatest time and my good friend dated her best friend and my other friend dated her sister. I had some of the best times of my life with that group. I will talk about those one day but, for now it’s back to her. She basically started cheating on me and I really didn’t know it right away. When I found out it changed my world and my outlook on people. Up until then I was a very trusting naive person. After that it fucked with my entire life and life choices. Many girls since then have asked what woman did a number on you. This is that woman. She made me so distrustful and angry towards woman in my life I think it caused me to screw things up with the one in the what if story above. This girl new me and my interworkings. In my mind she was the one. We talked all about the future and what it would be like. Damn did that make me look forward to life with a family. She killed my kindness and turned me in to the sarcastic asshole that I am now. I don’t even know how to not talk that way without real thought any more. She just up and stopped and tore my heart out. I look back now and realize how thick I was in the head back then and for years after it. It still leaves a scar on my heart to this day. I look back and see all the signs of us going our separate ways and it was a good thing but, when it happened it was the worst thing in my life. I remember the torture of it. Going out with my friends and still having to see her since my friends were still dating. We will still 6 people going out and doing shit I just had to keep seeing my ex. Still fucking and being with her just not dating anymore. It was so hard to make a clean break that it probably made the scar deeper than it should of been. I ran in to her at a bar like 5 years later and I was all fucking messed up. I don’t think I had a hair cut for like 5 months and I stopped shaving and was hippy-ed out and shit. I am sure it was hilarious from her point of view. I am hoping that writing this all down will get it off my chest and relieve some of my anger a little. I will say she gave some of the best head that I have ever got to this day. The couch in her parents rec room should have been burnt after all of the shit that happened on their couch. All the while my friend was on their other couch doing the same thing. It was great. Getting caught pulling my pants up by her dad trying to spy on us. Well, I guess that was bound to happen when you were getting some on the couch every night. I think I got her back one night when I was out with my friends and her. Then I left and went home with a girl at the party. Came back a few hours later. Then she she was begging me to get some. She gave me some head hoping I would give her something. I did but, it was odd to me back then that she only wanted me because someone else wanted me also. Damn shit just fucked with me the more I think about this as I type. No wonder I always had this feeling that I would have her back in my life again. Jesus this makes a little more sense now that I am seeing it on screen. Well, this kind of shit always happened. I couldn’t say no to her. I even once went and drove her and her friends to bars downtown once they turned 21. Man was I whipped little bitch back then. I wish I had grown some balls back then and made a clean cut from her. She was also the one that started my nickname “Coke can”. After we broke up she hooked up with this guy with a really small penis named Frank if memory serves me. He apparently was so small she wanted my dick back. Well, for damn near a year my friends were calling me coke can and I didn’t know why. I never really knew I had a big penis. I still don’t think it’s that big. Well, finally one drunken night I got the story out of them. I guess I should of probably thanked her for that.