Thoughts

Fuck the real side of life.  My defenses are always up and guarding me.  They are so instinctive i think women can detect them and walk away.  I wish i could just take them down but i think i am just a distrustful person.  I don’t think that was always the case but it has happened none the less.  I want to let someone in and be there for me the same way i could be there for them.  I just don’t know how to do that any more.  I have theories which are probably right but for me it has always been about the execution of my theories especially when it comes to women.  They are one of my many forms of kryptonite.  I was always the last friend to get invited, the after thought of anyones plans.  Not sure why never asked.  Maybe i was an idiot and said some stupid shit.  Don’t know but i would like to but how do you know the real answer. Damn that is shit i never took out of my mind before.  Well, either way i believe this is why i am who i am.   A solo person most of the time.  I like it most of the time but, i want a wife and a couple kids but i think my time is running out.  I have been thinking i am going through the mid-life crisis lately.  I don’t know what i want out of life any more.  I want to tell kids to fuck getting that good job and live your life freely and to chase after your dreams and dont look back.  I wish i could remember my dreams.  Some where i lost sight of them.  Like run a marathon but i know that wasn’t one of them.  Well, i hope i can figure it out and can start chasing after them again.

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About batmaninhiding

I am just a regular person with random things to chat about.
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One Response to Thoughts

  1. Shit man. I wish I had some insights for you. The way to tackle the defensive walls is to try to go back and figure out when they were constructed. This is near impossible. As far as dreaming and aspirations go I never had any of those really. I always felt I was some sort of possession of others and my soul purpose was to placate, sacrifice, and rescue others. In that pursuit I have found myself becoming increasingly dissatisfied and taken advantage of.

    Anyway… to address some of your statements above… I suggest a three pronged approach.

    1) Identify the origin of the walls. I think you kind of know where these stem from already but truly face those situations and radically accept them to find closure. What has happened has happened and although its unfortunate… it is what it is.

    2) Avoiding counseling or meds, continue to assault your treadmill and exercise. This releases all sorts of beneficial chemicals, increases your overall thinking, and makes you look good which is a self esteem booster in itself.

    3) create a short list of things you would like to pursue or achieve. I believe you have that in the newest post. Dont tackle them all at once. Shit like learning the guitar takes a fucking lifetime so dont beat yourself up on your progress if it goes slowly.

    yehaw!

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