The Differences

So a few weeks ago I went on a lunch date or to lunch with this girl.  I wasn’t sure if it was a hey let’s just have lunch or if it was a lunch date.  I am still slightly confused after 3 weeks of messaging back and forth.  We haven’t made it to lunch again do to some random events.  I paid for the first lunch.  I actually am in the belief of the man always paying.  Not sure if this is something my parents instilled in me or not but, it’s what I do.  Well, the second lunch plans came along and she said we couldn’t go because she didn’t have any money and it was her turn to pay.  I said that it was fine she didn’t have money.  I would pay this time and she could pick up the next one.  I would rather of seen her then worry about twenty dollars.  I am by no means rich but, I can afford twenty dollars.  Well, she wouldn’t have it so it’s now been 3 week and we have lunch plans for tomorrow.  I am pretty sure these will go off without a hitch.  I hope so at least.  I invited her to one of my friends weddings in a few weeks and she agreed to go.  I hope this is a sign that she is at least somewhat interested in moving this past lunch dates and chatting.  The thing that I am trying hardest at is trying to find some common ground.  She is cool and my limited time spent with her I like her but, man we don’t have much in common and I hope this serves to get me to try new things and her also and not become a constant battle trying to figure out what not to do next.  I want it to be what should we try next not what shouldn’t I try next.  I know what we don’t have in common right now but, I am hoping that will change over time.  I like her and am going to do my best not to shoot myself in foot like I normally do at this point in time.  I usually start talking about all my crazy thoughts and ideas going on in my head.  I have found from extensive research in being an asshole that it just doesn’t work.  Think of my post about deflection and redirection.  I am trying so hard not to be that person with her.  It takes all of my mental ability sometimes to not let my random sarcastic condescending remarks leave my mouth.  I am starting to change that part of me that has been my defense mechanism for so long.  I used to claim I loved being an asshole which was somewhat true because I loved that fact that I didn’t have to show my true self to anyone.  My walls were so thick I could take down almost anyone.  Secrets were my tools of the trade.  I used to hate when people would tell my secrets to other people so I started using them to hurt and pacify people when they were getting out of hand.   Sometimes all it took was remember that thing I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone and people would stop being dicks to other people.  I hated people who were dicks to people and I became one myself just to fight off those bastards.  It works really well actually but, it is not who I want to be any more.  I have had enough of blocking my world to people.  I am slowly dropping my walls down one by one.  Doing it and putting a stop to the cruel side of me it going to take some major self control.  I know thought that since I changed myself in to this then I can change myself back.  So these differences shouldn’t be a problem.  I can figure this out.  Finding the common ground is the next step.  Tomorrow is another day to work on this.


About batmaninhiding

I am just a regular person with random things to chat about.
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