Deflection

So on my normal subject of relationships.  I speak sarcasm so fluently that I could say you look like shit and you would laugh along with me until you realize I might be insulting you.  It is such a natural response that I have pretty much forgot how to talk normally and truthfully and sincerely with people.  When I do tell the truth it comes off as so absurd that people are not sure what to think of me. People think I am random and a little bit off. That’s all fine by me I am random and off.  The real problem is that I keep shit to myself more than most people realize.  I almost never speak my true thoughts to people. I speak the shitty things people expect to come out of my mouth and not the nicer things that come from the other side of my thought process even when I want to.  Even when I do speak it it sounds so fake that I don’t even believe it anymore.  This I am going to start changing.  I think my mind has been pushing me to rethink my life choices and go back to the simpler life and try not to over analyze everything.  I try to relax and just enjoy life and the way I move through it but, I am not really sure that I am truely enjoying it.  I have good times with my friends but, I always feel a certain level of disconnect with them.  I think maybe it’s because at my core I am different then some of them possibly most of them. Or maybe it’s just that when I hang out with them we are there to just let loose and ignore the bad parts of our lives. I am all for that but, I need the other side of friendship. The other half it the intimate part of it.  The part that I think I have been missing lacking needing to really make me who I could and think I want to be.  It’s taking the chance to open up and actually make a deeper connection  Instead I use my jokes and deflection and redirection to flat out block that side of me.  The fear of letting someone I don’t know know what is really going on in my mind.  I scare the shit out of myself and am not sure what someone else would think about what is in my head.  People have asked in the past what I was thinking about and I respond you really don’t want to know.  Then they beg for it and I unleash the hellish thoughts in my mind on them.  It is usually not a pretty sight. Few people have seen the angry side of me when people push me just a tad bit to far like they want to just see me break.  Everyone is all cool with pushing the buttons then they get all angry when I actually say what’s on my mind.  Maybe they thought I was thinking of butterflies and fluffy bunnies.  Usually I am thinking about how stupid they sound or how quickly I could snap their neck or how I could bounce them off the ground.  Something that I usually wouldn’t or couldn’t do but, the rage that gets released is insane and scary even to me. That’s a lot of rambling after looking over this.

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About batmaninhiding

I am just a regular person with random things to chat about.
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