For the past few weeks I have been thinking about fears that I have and why I have them. What caused me to fear this particular thing in the first place? Why don’t/can’t I get past them? Was anyone involved in nurturing this fear? How do I overcome them so I can push past these fears and move forward? Then I opened my Maxim and low and behold there is an article on this particular subject. I haven’t read it yet because I want to get this thought out of my mind and see what they have to say on the subject. Not sure I should really trust Maxim but, well we shall see after this. So one of my fears was always about losing my job and what would I do if I no longer had it. Well, that happened about 3 years ago. Got called in to a room with a couple fellow co-workers and I was let go. First thought was fuck what am I going to do now. Second thought oh yea I have already been interviewing for a new job. Third can I actually pay my bills on unemployment. I went through 2 weeks of constant interviewing for every job that I might of been qualified for and many that I was not. Then I sat back one evening on my back porch and started running the actual numbers for bills and my income or lack thereof. Well, I found out I would be close. Found a roommate by some odd chance of the world. Everything started working out in my favor. I think that everything that happens just happens but, if you take that split second and make the right decision everything seems like it happens for a reason. I think it happens because you made the right decision that allows you to move forward with less curves and bumps in the road. Everyone has a couple friends who always seem to make the wrong decisions even though they are advised heavily by friends and family to go the other way. It’s almost like their gut tells them the wrong moves constantly. Maybe its just that they have made the wrong moves so many times their mind thinks its the right way. Just like people who make the right moves more often things seem to come to them much more easily. Now I just reread that and even to myself I wondered where the fear portion comes from. Here it is. You are just to scared with the fear of doing something different that it keeps you from moving forward you keep making the right or wrong decisions to stay in your comfort zone. For some people even knowing they are making the wrong choice just feels right for them so they keep going in circles.
I am stuck in one of these circles right now. Its called being single. I would like to be in a relationship but, something in the back of my mind always makes me say the wrong thing just so nothing happens. I have cock-blocked myself more than any of my friends could even try. I push every conversation with women until they are forced to see me as an asshole just to see what they do. I could have my so-called game flowing perfectly but, the minute I stop and think about what I am doing I basically put my foot in my mouth and fuck it all up. My internal conscience decides that it doesn’t want to be hurt again and stops it from happening. This is also the reason I have heard the rumors from my friends is that I always want what I can’t have. While I know it happens it is just that I feel like I don’t have to prove myself to these taken women so my mind just let’s me go. Its single hot women that always fluster me. So I am working on making that change. I have been slowly changing my mind to think differently. To make the better decision I have to move that decision to my conscience thought and change its outcome over and over so that I can override my unconscience thoughts. I have no idea how this is going to work and my fear is there but, I plan to overcome this fear.
How did I get here to fear this? To much bad information and one bad breakup with no person who I trusted to talk with this about. Then another relationship that was going to the serious side and I balked and pulled myself out of it and tried to move on. There were other reasons but, most of them just caused friction and fear truly was the cause of this. Then I just decided that not dating and just have many FWBs would satisfy that portion of my life.
This will change. I will change it. I have to start being the person that I want to be and need to stop the parts of me that I don’t want to be. To many people only see one side of me and I am going to change that.